Managing conflicts successfully
At the age of 15, Steven Spielberg was terrified by a bully from his school. One day, he asked the bully if he wanted to play the role of the hero-protagonist in a film that he was filming at home.
The bully did not answer and walked away, but after a few days he returned to Spielberg and said that he would play the lead role in his film.
Spielberg and the bully became best friends. The young filmmaker understood the need of the bully to feel important and satisfied it.
What is conflict?
It’s a situation in which the interests and needs of the parties seem incompatible.
Causes
A contrast in interests and needs (e.g. two salespeople of the same company want to focus on the same prospective customers).
Mismanaged emotions (anger, frustration, fear, and resentment).
Unbalanced distribution of resources or awards (e.g. the compensation of differently performing employees is the same).
Opposite beliefs, opinions, and values (e.g. atheist vs believer).
Limited resources (e.g. conflicts in poor countries).
Doubts and lack of information (e.g. not knowing if the other party is telling the truth or not).
Structural problems (e.g. competitive and aggressive culture, ambiguity and role conflicts, and authoritarian or careless leadership).
The principal causes of conflicts are escalation, poor control of our and others’ emotions, and inappropriate communication.
Consequences of Conflict Management
Negative: decline of relations, separations, lawsuits, loss of customers, loss of money, making enemies, isolation, and wars.
Positive: strengthening good relations and cooperation, maintaining and increasing customers’ loyalty, increasing faith in your capabilities, creating new solutions, problem-solving, and mutual satisfaction of the parties.
A bit of conflict may be positive if it is well-managed, while the absence of conflict causes stagnation. Too much poorly-managed conflict incites war.
Conflict Management Styles
There are different ways or styles that can be used to deal with a conflict. Each one has its advantages and disadvantages. Choose the best conflict management style according to the specific situation.
1. Competitive (“I win you lose”): you only pursue your interests.
Example: We both want the orange. I take the whole orange for myself. I do not care if you want it too!
It’s useful when you are sure you are right, when you need a quick decision, or when you are facing a bully.
Disadvantages: it may seem authoritarian, aggressive, insensitive, and selfish, thus shattering relations.
2. Collaborative (“We both win”): you pay attention to the interests of all parties involved.
Example: We both want the orange. To find a solution that satisfies both of us, we should understand why each party wants something. The husband may want the orange because he is hungry and so takes all of the pulp while his wife wants to make a cake and takes all of the peel. Both are happy.
It’s useful in cases involving the lives of other people, when you do not want to take full responsibility, when there is trust, when you want to get the commitment of the other party, when you face intense emotions (e.g. hostility), or when you want to maintain good relations.
Disadvantage: it may be time consuming.
3. Compromise (“we both win and lose something”): a middle ground between being assertive and cooperative is to find a solution that partially satisfies both parties.
Example: We both want the orange, the solution is to divide it into halves.
It’s useful when interests are of a modest value and there is no need for more assertive behavior, when there are people with the same status and the same involvement that need to find a temporary solution to a complex issue, or to find a solution to a problem when collaboration and competition weren’t successful.
Disadvantages: it can leave both sides dissatisfied.
4. Avoidance (“I’m going, I do not care”): you do not pursue the interests of anybody and avoid confrontation. You leave or withdraw.
Example: “I do not care if you do not reach an agreement. Both of you are old enough to do it yourself. I’m leaving. Bye!”
It’s useful when the subject is not important, when there are other priorities, when you’re unprepared, when the situation is inadequate (inappropriate time and place), when you are emotionally involved, or when you have no chance of winning.
Disadvantages: if avoidance is used often, it can generate feelings of frustration, anger, and lack of trust in the other party. Therefore, it may compromise the relationship.
5. Accommodation (“I let you win”): you are neither assertive nor cooperative.
Example: “You are right, I’ll do what you ask me to do.”
It is useful when the issue is not important, when you know you are not right, when you want to preserve relations, or when continuing to compete would be harmful (e.g. I cannot win).
Disadvantage: if used too often, this style can weaken your self-confidence and you are likely to leave a negative impression of yourself as weak, passive, and easy to manipulate.
How to Manage Conflicts?
1. Awareness: How do you feel? What emotions are you feeling? What’s happened? What conflict management style are you using? What is really important to you?
2. Emotions: Block the automatic behavior dictated by emotions, breathe slowly and deeply from the diaphragm, use an internal dialogue, take a step back from the situation, take a break, get out for twenty minutes and then come back to face the problem, consider a different perspective, or ask someone else’s opinion.
For example, when a person offends you, before verbally assaulting them, take slow breaths and attempt to understand what is going on. You can repeat phrases like, “Stay calm, breathe, and answer diplomatically,” in your head. Sometimes, it is not worth either playing the game of the other party or attacking them. Sometimes the motto, “My weapon is kindness,” can be of great help.
3. Separate the person from the problem: don’t attack or offend the other person, but focus on the specific issue objectively.
For example, “The project costs are too high. When you present me with an alternative that reduces costs, we can talk it over,” versus “You’re not able to carry out a project.”
4. Examination of facts, active listening, and decentralization: Ask and explore what the interests, needs, and fears of the other party are. Put yourself into the other person’s shoes.
For example, “Why do you want an orange? Help me understand why you want it.”
5. Find commonalities:
For example, “We both want the project to be approved. We can seek some ways to reduce costs and make it feasible.”
6. Invent options of mutual interest: Create new possibilities and alternatives together.
7. Use objective criteria to choose the best options to solve a conflict:
For example, laws, quality standards, economic and statistical data, and the opinion of a neutral third party.
8. Strategic communication:
For example, “I feel frustrated when you avoid discussing the problems we are facing with me. You know that I care about you and our relationship. I want to talk with you about how to improve it,” versus “You do not care about our relationship and you always avoid the discussion.”
9. Choose the right style of conflict management at the right time:
For example, if you know you’re right and you need an immediate decision, the competitive style may be more appropriate than other styles.
10. Avoid interrogation:
For example, “Why are you doing this? What did you do yesterday? Did you go there?” This storm of questions elicits defenses.
11. Techniques of verbal self-defense: Change the game. You do not need to fight back.
For example, you meet a colleague at a party who tells you in an annoyed way, “You’re everywhere. you’re like parsley.” You can avoid jokes or counter-attack by saying something like, “Oh bad luck, you again.” Further, you can make a joke (“I did not know I have the gift of ubiquity!”); a passive comment (“ah yes,” “certain,” and “but no”); offer compliments and praise (“It’s always a pleasure to meet nice people like you.”); use a metaphor that has nothing to do with the situation to distract the other person (“One swallow does not make spring.”); or use intentional silence and simply choosing not to respond.
Remember to pay attention to non-verbal communication (your tone of voice and gestures). Sometimes we say polite words but still use an aggressive manner.
Have fun experimenting with the strategies presented in this article for handling conflicts.
Dr. Andrea Miriello
Business Psychologist
Consultant, Business Coach, and Trainer