Assertiveness means behaving strongly and politely, respecting yourself and other people at the same time.
We can distinguish 3 main behavioral styles:
- aggressive (intimidating, demeaning, controlling, manipulating, criticizing)
- passive (not standing up for yourself, letting others making decisions for you, avoiding conflicts, not taking risks, complying with others’ decisions)
- assertive (listening actively other people, regarding different points of view, taking responsibility for your opinions and feelings, expressing your ideas and needs without offending anybody).
Assertiveness can help you to increase your self-confidence, self-esteem and self-efficacy. Moreover, it can be positive for people you interact with as well: you treat them politely, respectfully, and taking into account their needs and opinions.
Let’s make an example about assertiveness:
“You made a mistake again. You are really incompetent and unreliable as usual!” (aggressive)
“Have you noticed that you made a mistake? What can you do in the future to avoid such a mistake? I’m sure you will be able to avoid it in the future.” (assertive)
When you speak to a person bear in mind that verbal and non-verbal communication should be consistent with each other (e.g. avoid communicating “assertive” words with an aggressive tone of voice).
Self-Assertion in Eight Steps
- Get the person’s attention: “I would like to speak to you. Switch off the tv, please.”
- Describe objectively the other person’s behavior you have difficulty with: “I said I wanted to speak to you and you picked up the paper and started reading it.”
- Express constructive feelings: “I feel annoyed that you would rather read the paper than talk to me.” Use “I feel” instead of “you make me feel”.
- Check your interpretations and ask for a response: “I think we’re growing apart. What do you think about it?”
- Listen to the other person’s response and give feedback: “I’m not convinced by your reply: it’s not just reading the newspaper, you spend so much time doing things that don’t include me.”
- State your preferences clearly and specifically: “I would like you to take me out at least once a week.”
- Request agreement from the other person: “Wednesday night will be our “together night”. Is that ok for you?” If the other person behaves rigidly, not wanting to find a common ground, maybe this person doesn’t deserve your time and attention.
- Communicate any relevant information concerning future episodes: “If I feel we’re drifting apart again, I’ll bring it to your immediate attention.”
I hope this article has been interesting and useful for you. Put it into practice and you will see the benefits.
References and recommended readings
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith. Click the link to see the book http://amzn.to/2vaUW3z
The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships by Randy J. Paterson. Click the link to see the book http://amzn.to/2vaxu6z
Judo with Words: An Intelligent Way to Counter Verbal Attacks by Barbara Berckhan. Click the link to see the book http://amzn.to/2vr2DzK
Dr. Andrea Miriello
Business Psychologist
Consultant, Business Coach, and Trainer